In Alcoholics Anonymous, there is a phenomenon called “the geographical change.” This is when someone who is desperately trying to stop drinking or using drugs thinks that a change in environment will do the trick.
People have moved cross country or further, certain that if they could just get far enough from their favorite drinking buddy or dope dealer, they will be different.
Unfortunately, this belief has proved untrue over and over again – sometimes with fatal results.
I am so grateful that my immigration to Israel was to move TOWARDS something, not FROM something.
I had this realization about a year back when my Sister-in-Law said “I’m surprised you’re willing to move so far away from your mom.”
This is an understandable statement – my mom and I are very close.
But my response to her still stands, “I don’t see making Aliyah as moving away from anything, I see it as moving towards the life I want for Rafi.”
Now, that’s not to say I want Rafi to have a life without our American family – quite the contrary! They are our biggest loss in this scenario.
But that just goes to show how certain I am about this decision. That I would be willing to move Rafi away from loving grandparents, aunts, uncles, and the biggest loss of all – cousins his age that he is close with.
That being said, it definitely softened the blow that we also have a loving family here in Israel as well. And we moved to their town to maintain a lifestyle where we were around family on a regular basis. Just different family members.
But I digress….. The point of this blog entry is not to talk about my family but rather to talk about this undeniable truth – that no matter where you go in the world (regardless of whether you are moving towards something or running away) you take yourself with you.
What does that even mean?
To me, it means that you take the lens you see the world through.
Your insecurities, your interpretations, and most importantly your relationship with yourself.
Have you ever noticed how someone will get out of one toxic relationship only to enter into another one? Or how the same dysfunction that caused someone to divorce their first spouse will rear its ugly head in their second marriage?
This is because wherever you go, you take yourself with you.
You can change the circumstance, the scenery, the company. But you cannot change your lens without doing the inner work.
In my professional life, I am a life coach. I work for an amazing company called Strong Mom where I coach on nutrition, fitness, and mindset.
But my favorite thing to coach on is relationships. My own business is called Partnership Aligned. This is where women come to me to help them with a difficult relationshiip.
But I’m gonna tell you a little secret….
All relationship coaching- it’s really just coaching on your relationship with YOU.
Then and only then does the failing relationship have a chance for a turnaround.
Having just moved continents, I can really speak to this concept of taking yourself wherever you go.
Whatever your relationship is with you, it tags along and continues to either support you or tear you down.
I changed my scenery, culture, circumstances, and everyday routine. I even changed my time zone – drastically.
But internally, I remain the same.
I am ecstatic to be living in Israel – especially after what I had to do to get here.
But being in a different culture really shines a light on who I am, especially in contrast to how people are here. Here are a few that come up for me as I write this blog:
👉 In America, a lot of people see me as “tough” but I am now in a culture of tough people. This is a military country and people dont’ fuck around. This has caused me to see how sensitive I can be at times. Will living here cause me to get tougher or to soften? We shall see.
👉 In America, I often get feedback about being a solo parent. Some people look at me with pity but those who know me know that we’re thriving and so their feedback is more of an admiration.
But in Israel, the traditional family unit is valued. I don’t have a problem with this. I also value the traditional family unit. It wasn’t in the cards for me the first time and that’s ok.
Looking back, I would never give up what I learned about myself from my failed marriage.
But will living here drive me towards marriage again faster than I thought? Again, we shall see.
👉 In America, I am considered a “relaxed parent.” But in Israel I would probably be called a helicopter parent! Parents in Israel let their kids be independent from a shockingly young age. Seven year olds are walking to the store to pick up milk and eggs for the family…. sometimes with younger siblings accompanying them.
Cohorts of young friends walk around (and cross streets) without adults. A lot of this is due to such a safe community. All cars stop for all pedestrians no matter what – and without so much as a side-eye! In Philly, I had to play frogger to cross the street sometimes.
In addition, no one here is worried about pedophelia or other kinds of child endangerment. While Israel is snuggled into the roughest neighborhood of the world, the land within our borders is safe citizen-to-citizen.
I often find myself wanting to speak for Rafi or do things for him that he is well equipped to do on his own.
Last year when we were visiting Israel, I took Rafi to the playground and realized I was the only mom following my kid around the playground as opposed to sitting on the side talking to the other moms.
Those moms even lovingly commented to me that he would be fine without me. But because Rafi is used to me being so close, he expects it. So when I experimented with changing my behavior in that playground, he immediately yelled for me to come watch him play.
So interesting.
Now, I’m not judging any of this about myself – just observing the difference in mentality and how American kids are raised vs. Israeli kids. I don’t believe there is a right or wrong – I think there are pros and cons to both.
Zooming out, I am essentially in the beginning of parenthood – Rafi only being 5, we have a long way to go! Will I continue to have an American parenting style? Or will I become more hands off (which I mistakenly thought I already was) and allow him to claim independence to fit in with the other kids? Again… (are you picking up on the writing pattern here yet)… we shall see.
While the above things may or may not change over time in a new country, my relationship with myself will remain the most important thing.
Luckily, I’ve been working on my relationship with me for many years now. That’s not to say I’m done – no one is ever done with self growth. But I am grateful to make Aliyah at a time in my life where I feel comfortable in my skin and I know what keeps me sane & healthy.
So, regardless of my inevitable shift in culture, I will always have me to come home to.
Referring back to the “geographical change” I mentioned so many addicts take part in – those who learn their lesson and realize that no matter where they go, the work is within – these are the people who recover. Then it doesn’t really matter where they are geographically, they are anchored.
My spiritual rituals, my relationship with God, my alone time, my commitment to having my own back, and my addiction to a healthy lifestyle will all keep me grounded as I swim in the waters of new territory, new people, and new life.
Wish me luck and stay tuned!
Elana's Aliyah Blog 
Leave a comment