“But What About Anger?”

It’s 9 Days til the move.

Rafi and I sit in a 7-11 parking lot all dressed up for Halloween. We had just gone trick or treating for the first time… and the last. There is no Halloween in Israel. 

Rafi was dressed as “Shadow” , a character from Sonic. I was a devil. 

I had returned to the car with my energy drink -thinking ahead to the Halloween dance party I would be attending after Rafi went to bed. 

“Can we do one thing before we go back to Savti’s? Can we go to Green Tree Run?”

Rafi knew we were down the block from the condo we had lived in for the past five years. It was the only home he’d ever had. It was where I became a mother. 

We moved out of the condo and into my mom’s house for 6 weeks before the big move. 

“Buddy, you know we can’t go into our apartment, someone else lives there now.”

He nodded, “yes I know I just want to drive around in there.”

So we did. We drove up the winding hill that we had driven up every day for the past 5 and a half years – and by instinct drove right up to the door of our condo unit. 

I looked back and was surprised to see Rafi’s chin quiver. I realized at that moment he was having some big feelings about leaving. 

“Do you want me to park so you can come cuddle?”

He nodded through tears. I parked and he climbed into the front seat and melted into my lap. I held him while he wept a little and kissed his little face about 475837 times. 

He told me he was sad.

“I am so happy that you told me about your feelings,” I said. “Your feelings are so important and I love knowing all about them. You can tell me about your feelings any time you want, ok?”

He said ok and buried his face in my neck.

“Are you sad we are moving?” He answered yes.

“Do you want to move to Israel?” He answered yes.

“Do you feel excited to move?” He answered yes… and then added “but I also feel sad.”

I told him how much sense that makes. I told him that it’s normal to feel two feelings at once. I told him that I also feel excited to move and also feel sad to leave. 

Then I told him that there is no such thing as a bad feeling.

By now he had cried it out and was just enjoying the moment with me.

“But what about anger?”

“Nope, anger isn’t bad either! It’s totally ok to feel anger. As long as we don’t hit anyone or break anything, then anger is ok. There is a difference between feeling anger and then acting out on anger. But you can get your anger out in other ways – you can run, scream into a pillow, talk about it, or do deep breathing.”

He looked pensive, then said “what about when you’re FRENGRY?”

“What’s Frengry?”

“It’s when you’re frightened, angry, and hungry all at the same time!”

We both laughed. “That’s ok, too,” I said. 

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I always knew I had an emotionally intelligent child but Rafi really blew me away that night. The way he asked to go see his old home and then expressed how it made him feel was nothing short of amazing for a 5 year old. 

Our meaningful conversation made me think…. Why is it that we think some feelings are bad? Even at 5, he had received the message already that anger was bad. 

The way I see it, feelings are informational. Our feelings take place in our body -and the body keeps the score. It knows way more about us than our brains do.

Have you ever had the experience where something just doesn’t feel right to you, yet you can’t put your finger on it? 

That’s your feelings trying to tell you something. That’s when we need to slow down and give attention to our body and the feelings that are coming up. 

Here’s what I think: Feelings are never bad. But ignoring them is.

This doesn’t mean we act on them all the time, but it does mean that we don’t sweep them under the rug.

In my coaching, I often talk about feelings as a beach ball. When we allow a beach ball to hang out with us on the surface of the water, it doesn’t cause any trouble. But when we push the beach ball under water… deeper and deeper… eventually that pressure builds. 

As a result, that thing comes shooting up, hitting us in the face and splashing everyone around us. 

That is what unprocessed feelings do to our lives. They create waves that affect us and the ones we love. 

Our feelings are a gift from God. We were given them as a compass to what’s going on with us – and possibly some changes we need to make. 

I love that I was able to have that talk with Rafi so early in life. I’m sure it’s the first of many. 

I don’t care what he ends up doing for a living or where he ends up settling down. And I don’t need an obedient child. 

I want a child who is emotionally intelligent, tuned into his feelings, mature and thoughtful. 

Doesn’t matter where you work or where you’re living – if you’re not emotionally well you don’t enjoy any of it. 

Teaching him not to stifle his feelings – and doing the same by example – will be my intention during this massive transition… and beyond. 

Let’s see how it goes!

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Fast Forward to our first night in Israel… we walk into the apartment my dad bought for himself but hasn’t lived in in 6 months. It’s a nice soft landing for us while we get situated and find our own place. 

We haven’t slept. We are tired, excited, anxious, numb and high, all at the same time. 

Rafi walks in first and immediately has a melt down. He starts screaming and stomping his feet.

“What! It’s so small! And it doesn’t have a kitchen!! How will we stay here with no kitchen?’

I try so hard not to laugh. There is a full kitchen to the left of us but he walked in and went right. 

He continues to melt down. He is so tired and full of so many emotions that he doesn’t know how to express. So he freaks out about something tangible.

And he really lets it out. His body shakes and tears stream down his face.

And if you’ve ever met Rafi, you know he has zero voice modulation… so you can only imagine how loud he was in this moment. 

It was 11pm in a building where we didn’t know anyone. But I didn’t care. My kid was having a moment – and he needed to have it.

Like I had told him weeks earlier, if he’s not hurting anyone or throwing anything, then anger is not bad. 

It is never the emotion that will hurt us, only the stifling of it. 

After a couple minutes of him stomping around the apartment and yelling, I quietly directed him to the kitchen. 

Like something out of a movie, he stopped crying and said “Oh, there is a kitchen! Cool.”

I was fascinated. What if we all just expressed our anger and then let it pass through us? Kids are onto something.

A five year old cannot say that he is nervous about being so far from home and knows he’s not returning.

A five year old cannot say that he has a low level sense of anxiety about all the unknowns but also feels excited. 

A five year old cannot say that he is so exhausted that he cannot regulate his emotions.

So, instead, he freaks out about there being no kitchen. 

And that’s fine by me.

Throughout the night, he continued to point out everyrthing that was wrong with the (perfectly fine) apartment. 

“We can’t live here!” He would say over and over about different imaginary let downs – such as a bed thats too hard or a shower head that sounds funny. 

Eventually, he relaxed. We ate some food and got some sleep (although not easily) and woke up the next day feeling much more steady.

On our second night, we came home to that same aparmtent and he said to me “you know, I think I kind of like this apartment. It just took me a while.”

As I reflect on Rafi’s style of expression, I realize that he is super intense but holds nothing in. This is actually very congruent with how Israeli kids are – so he will fit in fine. 

How freeing it must be to honor your feelings in the moment in the most authentic way possible, then let them pass and move on.

We can all learn something from five year olds. 

Love, Elana