“Are You Sure You Want To Do That?”

Imagine telling everyone you know that you’re moving to the most controversial country in the world during a time of active war with your young child 🤨

The responses are fascinating. They are never neutral.

In the beginning of my journey, I received an overwhelming “that’s amazing, I’m so happy for you. You’re going home!!”

But over the past year, the responses have become more… shall we say, seasoned. 

It’s almost become a game to see how people try to hide their confusion… and sometimes their horror.  They are perplexed. They are dying to say, “why the hell would you do that?”

But they settle for the old “are you sure you want to do that?”

And that is the question I’ve received on a daily basis for over a year now. 

“Are you sure you want to do that?”

I find it comical that anyone would think that I’m not sure. Who makes such a big decision without being sure? 

But I get it. Especially for Non-Jews, it must seem so unnecessary to enter a war zone. 

But for me, it is more than necessary. It is mandatory. It’s my path. It’s where I’m supposed to be.

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I grew up visiting Israel often. My father is Israeli and I’ve spent many summers in his parents house in B’nei Brak. 

In case you don’t know anything about B’nei Brak, this is the city where all the ultra-Orthodox Jews live. The kind you see in movies with black hats and grown out sideburns with long beards. 

My brothers and I were “the American cousins” who came to visit once a  year as if we came from a secret land. Our Israeli cousins would ask us outlandish questions about life – as if we had the answers because we were from America.

I remember one cousin my age asking me a somewhat saucy question about life in America. Her mother, my aunt, overheard and immediately smacked her right across the face. 

This sounds harsh. But if you’re looking to keep your kids on the straight and narrow, that’s one way to get it done. That cousin is now happily married with children and seems pretty unscathed by the whole thing… so no need to call child services. 

Needless to say, I never really thought about moving to Israel. My experience with the overall country was very sheltered and skewed to one community. 

Later in life, I went to Israel a couple times on organized trips with people my age – I loved it but it wasn’t enough to lure me to move. I am American and have always felt very comfortable living in America. 

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Fast forward to early 2021, I was 37 years old and had become a single mother a few months earlier.

I was healing from a toxic marriage and finding myself again after addiction.

I was spending a lot of time in prayer and meditation. I was surrounding myself with God-loving women. And as a result, I was becoming very in touch with myself and what I desired.

I was standing in my living room one day holding my almost 2-year-old and I had an intuition OUT OF NOWHERE! It said “raise him in Israel.” 

It was so out of left field that I actually looked around to see what this thought may have been triggered by.

But there was no trigger. I hadn’t been to Israel in years and there were no new Israelis in my life.

There was nothing causing this intuition except God.

I stayed quiet with this thought for almost a year.

I figured if it was just a crazy moment in my head, it would dissipate. But it didn’t. It got stronger and stronger- but in a quiet, knowing way.

After a year, I decided to talk to my parents about it. Then slowly I started talking to other family members about it… then friends… then acquaintances… until I basically spoke it into existence. 

It was clear that my son’s father was not going to be in his life and I was free to make whatever decision I felt was best for the boy – including big moves. 

And once I make a decision, I find a way to make it happen. And this was no different. 

But decisions don’t mean shit without action. 

It was time.

I sat in front of my computer one day, went to the website to apply for immigration, and filled that sucker out. I took the first step. I was officially in process. 

Philly was getting worse every day and I wanted to raise my son somewhere safer. 

It is at this point that people usually raise their eyebrows at the idea of Israel being safe. But yes, I do consider Israel safe and I actually feel safer there than in some parts of Philadelphia.

In Israel, we are worried about our neighboring countries. In America, we are worried about our neighbors. 

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My 5 year old son, Rafael, is an intense kid. He is plugged into life. He is intuitive, present, connective, and responsive. Such beautiful qualities! 

But intensity fostered in the wrong environment can be dangerous.

I often joke that Rafi would end up a gang leader if I raised him in Philly. Everyone listens to him and he thrives off the group. He is a natural leader and is very charming.

But in an environment that is child oriented… where the village raises the child – and the child is encouraged to be independent yet part of the community – intense, vibrant qualities are gold. 

My thoughts and my intuitions aligned. I knew down the center of my body that this was the path God wanted for me.

I was about ⅓ of the way through the tedious process of getting approved for Aliyah when my whole world was turned upside down.

On October 7th, 2023, thousands of Hamas terrorists infiltrated Southern Israel to execute a planned massacre. They murdered 1200 men, women, children and babies. They literally raped and pillaged. They burned babies alive, killed kids in their beds, and raped women and young girls in front of their families. Then they paraded the dead bodies in the streets celebrating. Finally, they took about 250 hostages back into the Gaza strip, forcing them into terror tunnels and torturing them. Some were rescued, some were killed. We still have 101 hostages that we are trying to get back.

Now, I’ve been through a lot in my life.

Opiate addiction, death of a best friend, and a toxic marriage, to name a few. But nothing has ever affected me like October 7th did. 

Because for the first time in my life, I questioned God. 

If you know me personally, you know that this is a big deal. 

In Alcoholics Anonymous, we say that God either is or He isn’t. That we don’t get to pick or choose. Either He is in everything or He is in nothing.

Well, I did not like these options. 

If God is – then that means he played a part in this atrocious day, or best case scenario allowed it to happen. 

But if He isn’t, then my entire life makes no sense. 

So, basically, I was fucked. 

I, like many Jews around the world, went into a depression. Fear took over. 

How could this happen? What year are we in? Is my child safe? This can’t be real.

But it was real. And to add insult to injury, the world turned their backs on Israel and the Jews, making us the bad guys for retaliating. Pro-Hamas protests exploded all over the world and anti-semitism rose to record highs since the Holocaust.

For the first time in my life, I didn’t feel safe being Jewish.

I would receive comments from people that were – at best – ignorant… and the online space became a mentally unhealthy place for me.

Coincidentally (or not), we had already bought tickets to visit Israel for my niece’s Bat Mitzvah. We were supposed to leave November 15th – just a few weeks after the massacre and the beginning of the war. 

Most of the family canceled their tickets. But my mom and I were unsure. We spent weeks torturing ourselves with all the What If’s. 

What if we get there and there’s another terror attack?

What if we get there and we can’t get home because no one will fly?

What if we don’t go and then regret it?

In the end, I am proud to say that we decided not to live in fear. The terrorists don’t get to dictate when we visit our home. So we went.

As soon as we made the decision, we calmed down.

Isn’t it so interesting how indecisiveness always feels worse than either decision? I think it’s because we think there is only one right decision – and that’s a lot of pressure! We have to make the right one – or else!

But what if there isn’t a right decision? Or better yet, what if we get to decide what the right decision is?

In my experience, if there really is a right or wrong decision, that’s not a situation where indecisiveness plays a big part. Indecisiveness rears its ugly head when both decisions are acceptable. 

I learned a long time ago to make a decision and then have my own back.

As long as I like my reasons for making that decision, then I am aligned with my values – and therefore at peace no matter how it turns out. 

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So, we spent three weeks in Pardes Chana, where my brother and his family live – and where Rafi and I are moving to… tomorrow  👏

It was the most meaningful trip I have ever been on. All the billboards and signs read “together we will win” and “we have no other land.” 

The unity and the solidarity amongst Israelis across the country was nothing short of breathtaking. 

I had the incredible realization that I felt way safer in Israel than I did in America! 

I didn’t have to explain to anyone why we were fighting so hard. I didn’t need to be careful about who I talked to about it. I didn’t need to make decisions every day about who to divulge my Jewish background to. 

And I didn’t have to hear all the bullshit reasons that Israel didn’t have a right to exist.

Without Israel, there would likely be another Holocaust. 

Last night, there was a modern day Pogrom in Amsterdam and the IDF sent two rescue planes to get those Israelis out of harm’s way. Could you imagine if we had that kind of protection in the 1930’s?

Anyone who thinks Israel doesn’t need to exist also thinks the Jews don’t need to exist. Point Blank.

So, to answer the never ending question of “Are you sure you want to do that….”

Here is my answer:

Yes.

Yes, I am sure.

I am so fucking sure that I can feel it in every fiber of my body. 

No, I am not scared.

Because I do the inner work. I spend quality time with myself and with God every single day. Therefore, I can trust myself with intuitions and decisions. I can honor my desires. I can maintain moral clarity and direction. And I can do it calmly… most of the time. 

You might be asking yourself how I overcame my God-doubting spiritual crisis. 

Well, it was a mixture of things – solid spiritual advisors, authentic angry prayer, and some time.

I think the key to maintaining a calm, peaceful attitude in this world comes down to releasing this idea that we need to understand everything. There are some things that I am just not privy to. My finite human mind cannot understand why good things happen to bad people and vice versa. And my inner peace relies on not needing to know. 

The other thing I learned (because it was said to me daily) is not to leave the relationship.

I can be mad at God.

I can be bewildered and baffled, I can feel any way I want to feel and that’s ok.

The most intimate relationships have the most difficult emotions in them. 

But I have to stay in the relationship while I work through it. 

So if that means that my morning prayer turns into a morning anger session with God, that’s totally ok. As long as I don’t walk away and look to the external world to fill an internal void – I’ll get through it.

And I did. 

After October 7th, many people just assumed that my plans would change…but nothing could be further from the truth.

It has only solidified that this is a divinely-inspired path to safety, community, and the quality of life Rafi deserves. 

Stay tuned for entries about what we went through to make this happen – and the big arrival!! 

Love,

Elana